WASHINGTON, D.C. – Right out of the mind of Philip K. Dick and the movie Minority Report the newly formed Department of Undetermined Criminal Speech Engaging in Bigotry and micro-aGgressions, established under the U.S. Department of Justice, announced this week a new policy that allows the FBI to arrest people on thought crimes, even thought crimes they haven’t committed yet.
“We’ve developed pre-cognition technology that enables us apprehend criminals for thought crimes based on foreknowledge,” claimed DOJ agent Danny Witwer. “In D.C. we’ve been able to effectively reducing the hate speech rate to zero!”
The technology is controversial as it was rolled out in beta before Congress could agree on which thoughts constituted a hate speech crime.
“I think the results speak for themselves,” DOJ Superior Lamar Burgess said. “I’ve noticed Twitter has been a much more pleasant place to spend time and most of the news reporting I disliked is no longer being published.”
The DOJ has been coy as to how many people have been arrested for pre-thought crime. We reached out to every member of congress, the White House, the D.C. press corp, and every member of the main stream media but no one has returned our call for comment.